Missionary For Sale Part Two

I have been hesitant to post part two of the "Missionary For Sale" saga.
Partly because it is personal, and partly because I feel like I bag on Elder Brendan a lot.
For the record, Elder Brendan is a lot like me- very open and sarcastic, but underneath the tough outer shell is a pretty sensitive and deep kid.
I will share our exchange the following p-day (fresh from the call from his mission president) Warning, it's kind of long. Hold out, because there is a good story at the end of this post.
I am sharing because this is real life for us. Not every mission story is perfect.
This is still an 18 year old kid. And I am still a mom with a lot to learn myself.
(For those of you who read, and are not LDS, I have added links to parts of this that you might want clarification on. Or shoot me a message.)

hey yesterday the library was closed sorry well outside of the regular crap this week was as you know different and im sure you may be mad at me but i just wanna let you know that it really wasnt a big deal at all and everyone flipped for no reason what kind of house projects are you doing also who was that guy that showed up to my apt (more on this at the end of the post) lol that tripped me out i though it was another missionary for a sec so i was just sittin in my g top with out a care in the world then this surprise visitor shows up haha he was really nice though yeah any who plz email back lol

“i just wanna let you know that it really wasnt a big deal at all and everyone flipped for no reason” You still don’t get it.

what

I don’t know what you want me to say.
I pray every day for your safety. I pray every day for you to be obedient and to find joy in your service and limited time as a missionary.
Your choices negate all my prayers for you.
I don’t know how to be supportive.
I don’t know what to pray for.
I can’t alter your free agency.
If you don’t think it was a big deal- you aren’t humble or teachable.
Shay had a really good friend go on a mission several years ago. He was goofing around- and they were all killed.
Mission rules are twofold- to keep you safe (from physical harm and the adversary), and to invite the spirit to be with you always because of your obedience.

then quit praying for me so ill stop disappointing you and just dont worry about it im sorry im such a frickin disappointment all the time im sorry im a douche idk know what you want from me i really dont i try out here all the fetching time and every time i get shafted or fall short and all you ever here is the negative crap that goes down idk sorry

You’re right.
That’s all I ever do hear- because you don’t tell me anything.
I have very limited information.
Why are you so defensive.
Think about that for a minute.
You’ve never liked to be told what to do. Never.
Sometimes in life you have to follow stupid rules. Sometimes you have stupid people that are in positions over you that you just have to listen to.
The Lord is going to continue to teach you the same lessons again and again until you actually learn.
If you are sick of being reprimanded and transferred and babysat then maybe it’s time to look at why it keeps happening.

yeah youre right

You’re probably going to log off and be mad.
I’m not going to stop praying for you. I love you. I want you to have a good mission experience. But ultimately that is your choice.
It is disappointing when we get communication from your mission president where he expresses that he sees more potential in you, and had plans and hopes for you and that this is a set back.
We feel like you have that same potential. God have you talents and abilities that you could be really using to bless others. Being obedient is an internal thing. It’s integrity. It’s doing the right thing because it’s the right thing. You have to have that for the Lord to fully utilize you. You have to be willing to bend to His will.
It’s not about the mission rules making sense. It never has been. It’s about the willingness.
I just wish you’d get that. It’s a good lesson to learn in the gospel. It changes hearts and it gives you an opportunity to be His hands. There is no better feeling than being an answer to someone else’s prayers and knowing the lord chose YOU to do that for him.

i know im not going to log off emailing you is really the only i like through out the week and the ladies lol but my i got to be honest im so sick of being out here idk what else to do ive tried and tried and tried but everytime i get kicked down my mission president is hard on me the only potential he sees in me is raising numbers so he looks better im still trying dont worry I love indiana I love the people here but i hate the mission here if that makes sense

I’m going to tell you a story.
I sabotage myself in other ways.
I’ll eat really good and then like I’ll break open a pack of Oreos and one Oreo becomes three and then all of a sudden I have to finish the row. Then I think “you are such a pig, you suck.” Screw it. I suck. And then I eat crappy the rest of the day. I feel some measure of self loathing. And all the work I do at the gym is pretty much wasted time because I can’t control the one aspect in my life.
I follow a fitness account on Instagram and one day the dude posted this quote “you are always only one bite away from being right back on track.”
For whatever reason that resonated with me.
I don’t have to start my diet again the next day. Or the next Monday. I can be right back on track NOW. I can exercise willpower with every decision I make at any time.
As a result of this shift in thinking- I’ve lost 12 pounds. This is significant for me. I’ve been trying to get this last ten pounds off for two years.
When we apply that to the gospel- we can course correct several times a day if we need to. But we should never say “oh well, this is who I am, I suck.”
Cause guess who wins there?
Satan’s goal is not to make us sin- it’s to make us feel like we can’t come back. That we can’t course correct.

well shoot i do that all the time lol i do suck haha i hope you dont think im being sarcastic

You don’t suck.
You just sometimes have to say to the Lord- sorry about that- I’m ready for you now.
God is never surprised by anything you do. He gave you your weaknesses and He just needs you to ask him for His help to turn them into strengths. You don’t have to do that alone. He understands you. He made you that way. And He knows what you need to grow. Stop fighting Him. He can’t help you change if you keep rejecting Him.

i know it just sucks out here sometimes

My calling sucks.
But I have this mantle and the Lord needs me.
I’ve had to do hard things.
I never knew you could be spiritually exhausted.
It’s not about your mission president. It’s not about your companions.
It’s that the Lord called you and gave you the mantle. You have to answer to him for what you did with it.

yeah i know

Everything I tell you is out of love. I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. I want to help you avoid regret and disappointment. As your parent, I am entitled to revelation for you. I can’t do that with limited knowledge. You make that job hard. Lol.

mom i got to level with you emailing kinda sucks like talking to you doesnt but typing and crap super tedious thats why i dont send much

I know. But I could be a source of advice or help for you. And it could bring me happiness to hear of your success. I feel like we’ve missed out on an opportunity- that’s all.

And then the back and forth dissolved into normal chatter.
With one more butt reaming from me.
He popped onto a members phone and posted to Snapchat. (Eyeroll)
(Get your freaking butt off of social media!!)

Back to his surprise visitor.

I have a sweet neighbor and for whatever reason, well, I am not going to pretend that was coincidental either. The week I got the call from Brendan's mission president, this neighbor and I fell into each others' lives. It just so happened that her husband, who travels for work a lot- to a lot of different places- happened to be in Indianapolis.
Jokingly I said to her "you know that is where my naughty boy is serving, right? We should have your husband go over and pop him up the side of the head while he is there."
Well- we looked, you know, just for fun- and her husbands hotel was 17 minutes away from Elder Brendan's apartment.
So her husband went over there. Bless him.
When he got there, he wanted to accidentally put his phone on Facetime with me, but Elder Brendan's companion shut that plan down.
So I got this picture instead:

And this account:
"I knocked on the door and Elder Wadley's companion answered. Elder Wadley was just chilling on the couch in his garments."  I told him I was there to deliver a message to him from his mom. I asked him if he knew what it was and he said "Um, I can guess." Honestly your boy is so happy! You can just see it in his face. He is a great kid."

I don't know why it surprises me every time the Lord works a tiny miracle in my life.

For whatever reason, when I heard that account from my friends husband it struck me.
I need to butt out of this experience.
It is Brendan's.
And God's.
When he said "Elder Wadley was just chilling on the couch in his garments..." I realized that his mission is not a saving ordinance. It is an experience. He is still a really great kid!
When I try to force my will on Brendan, it just frustrates and disappoints us both.
He has free agency.
It is up to him to utilize it in his own way, not my way.
I feel like a huge burden is lifted.
I don't stress about him anymore.
I pray that the Lord will give him what he needs, and I let that ride.

I wonder how many times the Lord has waited on me.
Wondering if I will ever "get it."
Regretting that I have free agency.
That I squander opportunities.
That I am disobedient.
That I need to get my freaking butt off of social media?

So when I say a mission experience is real life here, I mean I have learned some hard things too.
If we both come out of this better people, then I guess its a win.